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Help for Angry Guys

Angry Guys
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“A lot of angry guys have been angry so long, they think what they feel is normal,” says Thomas J. Harbin, Ph.D., a therapist in Fayetteville, North Carolina and author of Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men. “It comes as a shock to realize that most people don’t feel the way they feel.”

There’s nothing wrong with anger by itself, Dr. Harbin explains. “Everyone gets angry. It’s an emotion like any other human emotion — it’s part of what makes human beings human. It’s not good or bad. What we worry about is how angry someone gets, how long it takes to get un-angry, and how they express anger. It’s a practical question. Is your anger causing you or the people around you to have problems?”

Anger’s Toll

Men often express anger differently from women, says Dr. Harbin. “They’re more physically aggressive, threatening. Most violent crime is perpetrated by men, including physical assault and domestic violence. Men are more physical — and more aggressive verbally as well.”

Being a perpetually “angry guy” can take a large toll on your health — and those around you.  “It can lead to problems with relationships, job loss, and poor family relations — kids growing up not liking their angry fathers,” says Dr. Harbin. “It’s also related to physical health problems, including greater risk of cardiovascular disease, as well as depression.” Indeed, recent research suggests that men experience depression as often as women — but often express depressive symptoms differently, including through anger and violence.

Do You Have Anger Issues?

Since everyone gets angry at times, it’s not always easy to know if your anger is excessive. Dr. Harbin suggests you pay attention to these possible symptoms:

  • You’re always swearing. “A lot of people use profanity, but angry men use more of it.”
  • You look on a negative side. “Pessimism and sarcasm” are common in men with anger problems, says Dr. Harbin. “Again, these are normal sometimes, but angry men tend to be sarcastic more often.”
  • You have trust problems. “Angry men have difficulty trusting anyone,” says Dr. Harbin. “They’re cynical about people in authority, other drivers — and their wives’ intentions.”
  • You’re always getting into fights. That can eventually cause men with anger issues to “lose their jobs, lose their marriages,” says Dr. Harbin.
  • You get headaches. There are many causes of headaches, of course, but angry men “have more than the usual number of headaches, stiff necks, and stomach trouble.”
  • People around you let you know your anger is a problem. “Angry guys often don’t realize that they are the ones who are out of step,” says Dr. Harbin. “They don’t realize that it’s not necessary or normal to have angry confrontations on a frequent basis —at work, in romantic relationships—or to always be flipping the bird when driving. I have guys tell me ‘My wife and I have these arguments but it’s normal and we get over it.’ It’s not, and women don’t like it.”

Leaving Denial Behind

Recognizing that your anger is a problem is the first step to changing your behavior. “They’re in denial — they don’t see the looks on the faces of the people around them and then deny that they have problems,” says Dr. Harbin. “The first step is, to be honest with yourself. That’s one of the most difficult things. Keep your mouth shut and listen to what other people have to say. Guys want to defend themselves and win arguments, but other people are better observers of your behavior than you are.”

If your anger is interfering with your life, if you are depressed, and especially if you find yourself being verbally or physically abusive, working with a psychologist may be the best approach. “I don’t think everyone needs to be in formal treatment, but in these cases, psychological help can be very beneficial.” He employs cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), “which involves examining the connections between what you think and what you feel.”

In the end, the decision to seek help is an individual one. “It’s a judgment that the angry man has to make. Ask yourself, ‘Do I think I can do this? Has what I tried in the past worked?’ If not, professional help may be warranted. Certainly physical aggression toward yourself or others is a good indication that you need help.”

Even if you haven’t reach that point, however, “a lot of guys could ask themselves if they think they are happy over the long haul,” says Dr. Harbin. “If the answer is no, think about making some changes in your life.”

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