When we talk about heartbreak, so often we focus on the emotional turmoil that tends to be experienced by girls. This is especially true when discussing young love, aka our teen’s first breakup.
Females are, by definition, emotional beings. We tend to focus on securing intimate relationships. This is how we have been taught to negotiate the world around us. Our male counterparts are portrayed as strong and that translates to both mind and body. Males are expected to stand tall and hang tough especially when faced with difficult and/or untoward events or circumstances.
Teenage boys, however, are not men. They are young and vulnerable regardless of whether the hair on their face or muscles on their bodies present an illusion of strength and discipline.
Nothing hits a parent harder than the suffering of their children. The urge to save and protect is truly instinctual. Watching your own child manage his first heartbreak can feel devastating. Our girls are generally taught to accept comfort and care. Although they may reject these responses, this type of behavior is acceptable.
Boys are often a different message; somewhere, somehow they are generally taught that they should “tough out” emotional situations. Teen boys often act agitated or irritable when approached by a caring parent, especially a mom.
Heartbreak hurts at any age, whether you are male or female, no one is immune. How can we help our teenage boys manage the anger, angst, pain and disillusionment when they are taught to internalize what they are thinking and feeling?
Heartbreak is full of mixed emotions
Heartbreak serves as host to so many mixed emotions. It is essential to understand the circumstances leading up to the heartbreak to help determine how hard your young man may be hurting. It is almost always harder to manage when the event seemed unexpected and/or he is left for someone else. If embarrassment and shame are part of the mix, the level of morose is intensified.
Tips to help teens surviving from heartbreak
What can a parent do to offer support and care? The list of do’s and don’ts is not only long but also dependent on the individual involved. What follows are some quick tips and points of consideration:
- Listen well. If he makes it clear that he does not want to talk, give him space. Be mindful of what his words and nonverbal language are saying. A slamming door, for example, is a sure sign he doesn’t want to be bothered.
- Small acts of kindness and caring go further than he will probably tell you. Make his favorite meal; leave out his favorite sweatshirt – creating comfort always expresses caring.
- If he decides to talk, offer an audience, not advice or answers. Refrain from any remarks about his lost love even if he seems to be pulling for this. Refrain from stories about your own lost love unless you are asked directly (which is unlikely).
- Healing takes time, avoid watching the clock.
- The rules still apply. During times of great duress, structure, predictability, and limit setting are primary in ensuring health and safety. When teens are experiencing angst, they are at higher risk for acting out in concerning ways (e.g. drinking, drugs, reckless driving).
Bearing witness to heartbreak is a difficult task. When you create a calm, caring and supportive environment for your son, you provide him with the best opportunity to engage in the business of healing. It may take time and lots of space, but like most growing pains, this too shall pass.
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