During a recent Lifeclass, Oprah Winfrey (Do I need to mention her last name?) talked about the disease to please. It is an affliction that affects so many women and some men.
If it were described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the description might read:
Basing one’s self-esteem on being liked by others with the inability to focus on one’s own life purpose. The resultant behavior is the inability to say “no” and become everything to everybody.
If one were a follower of Freud, you might want to trace the roots of this affliction to how women have been nurtured in society or, maybe, to Rosie the Riveter calling women into the workplace when men went to war during World War II.
I am a fan of the psychiatric school of Viktor Frankl that advocates the will to meaning. With that in mind, my orientation is to find “the cure” so we can move forward to living our lives on purpose.
What are the two steps for accomplishing the transition from the disease to please to owning your life?
Step 1: Define your Core—your Mission, vision & values.
Just like companies have a mission that describes why they exist, and their purpose, so should you. A vision tells them what they could be at their best if they lived their mission well.
What would that look like for you if you lived your mission well? Lastly, companies have a few key values that define their behaviors with each other and with their customers in all circumstances. What are the critical few values that you would not comprise even for a million dollars?
Step 2: Learn the essential skills for living your Core:
- Develop personal and professional support systems which allow you to succeed in your various life roles
- Learn how to delegate and actually do it
- Become skilled at negotiation so, for example, you don’t lose $500,000-$1,000,000 over your career because you accepted your first offers
- Cultivate the ability to constructively confront people so when the need arises, you are prepared
Two last bits of advice:
“No” is a complete sentence.
No matter how hard you try, not everybody is going to like you and that’s okay.
